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Memoiritis: Scene One
Welcome to my brain. No seriously, a shit ton. So this is a long assed post. It’s mainly because I want to give you a little taste of the memoir I’m writing. Actually, it’s the entire reason. Also,...
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How to Work from Home
Sometimes I kick him out and sleep here instead. Dave Coulier called and he wants all his tears back from reading the comments on my last post. I told him to stop crying like a little girl child, but...
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The Ruin of Souls
The first year the Pennysaver went into production, her father hoarded enough of the papers to start a small fire in their piss yellow kitchen and managed to do so one evening when her mother opened a...
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Cereal Bra
Whole Foods, where people go to buy cereal to eat out of their bras. I just ate cereal out of my bra. No like I spilled some and it was in my bra and then I ate it. And then one time at I work I did...
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Your Mother
Your mother smells, terribly. I go in five times a week to wash her hair and I can tell you it’s not because it’s one of my assignments. I’m the “change-the-sheets” kinda gal. I’m also a “Mr. Jones in...
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Welcome to the United States of Texas. Here, Have Some Glitter.
Reblogged from A Clown On Fire: Hi there! My name is Ericka Clay. You may remember me from my most recent endeavors like the time I hunkered down in a makeshift underwear fort in the produce section...
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Please Don’t Be Mad at Me Oprah Winfrey
This picture really has nothing to do with this post, but I thought we should all be aware that my dog has boobies. Good news. I’m alive and it seems like I’ll be alive for quite some time (unless...
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Abner
Abner licked the bottom of Will’s shoe because he had to prove he was a man. “There you go you piece of shit. Tastes good doesn’t it? And if you look at a dude like that again I will make sure your...
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How to Be a Writer
We already know how to write a book and how not to write a query letter, at least the twelve people who read this blog do (hi Dave Coulier’s grandma! By the way, Dave said your pot roast tastes like...
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Crab Cakes
We had to leave immediately. “No crab cakes? At least try a crab cake.” Florence was a hummingbird in her kitchen, fitting in nicely with the curled floral wallpaper, sagging with the greasy weight of...
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Dig
June racks up her sins, numbering them from one to twelve, well maybe twelve and a half, while waiting for the doctor. She sits in the waiting room with skin that itches, tiny raw bumps leaking a red...
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Ava the Great
A picture of my daughter trying out for a shampoo commercial. During gymnastics class. If there’s one thing you need to know about my daughter, it’s that she’s nothing like me. I mean of course she’s...
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Showgirls: An In Depth Analysis
I’m not new to this blogging game, as is evident of this hopelessly awesome review I did of the movie, Showgirls, a few years back. Do me a favor and bow your head in silence for Elizabeth Berkley’s...
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Little Rock
I am from Little Rock, Arkansas; from Tyson chicken, crooked trees and roaches skittering down the sink. I am from the “apartment,” maggots in the carpet and snuggling with my parents until dusk...
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How to Grocery Shop
Just driving to the grocery store, thinking about all the best friends/naked I’m gonna get. Life should be easy but it’s not because not everyone understands simple concepts like shelves that only come...
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Sweeter Than Words
Karen grinned stupidly at him, allowing Gene enough time to canvas the soft, plump skin beneath her chin and a stray black hair clinging ardently to her upper lip. She drank too much diet soda and...
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Dear Middle Aged Single Woman at the Coffee Shop,
Margot, look at my face: He isn’t going to call. Also, where did you get those boots? Hi there. I really like that headband you’re wearing. And the yoga pants. And the flip flops. It’s like you raided...
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That Vegan Douche
See all this delicious vegan food? I made it just to throw at my neighbors door as punishment for barbecuing last night. Vegan douches for life mother fuckers!! I’m sorry. I’ve had too much kelp juice...
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Peter Won’t Tell Me
Peter won’t tell me what dying is like even when I could taste it at the corner of his mouth. He once drove south to come find me when mother bit the bullet, literally, and lay crumpled on the tiled...
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Let’s Get Super Douchey…In the Shower!
You should have seen Matt’s face when I whispered to him that we’re going to start brushing our teeth with coconut oil. Best funeral ever! Wow! What a title! Apparently, I’m trying to get all those...
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